Changing Direction

I've wasted so much of my life running away from God.

It's not that I don't love Him.  I do so, so much.

But see, when I was very young, we'd go to church and on those Sundays when we would get there before Mass had started, we would kneel down to pray and prepare ourselves for the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, this most beautiful re-presentation of Christ's sacrifice on the Cross from which flows all of God's grace and mercy.  I never knew what to say, so I would pray, "Dear God, let me serve  you."  I prayed that for the longest time before each Mass I ever attended.

I wasn't really aware of what I was asking until He started taking me up on my petition.  In so many ways and at so many different times, God has asked me to do something for Him and I'm pretty sure that I've declined every offer.

Except it wasn't an offer.  God wasn't asking me to do something like wash the car or take out the trash.  Those kinds of things I did for my mom or dad or my wife, because of what I already had with them.  Taking out the trash did not necessarily draw me into a closer relationship with any of them.  It was because of the relationship we had already established that I took out the trash.  At times, taking out the trash was seen as proof that the relationship did exist.

When God asks me to do something for Him, it is so He can draw me into a much deeper relationship with Him.  I have no relationship with Him.  I really don't, because I am so terrified of what it means and what I will have to sacrifice.  I feel that I have given up so much as it is.  I don't want to give up any more.  And I don't want to become some kind of a Jesus freak.  I don't know why I have that fear, but it's always been there.  I limit how close I get to Him.  I know this.  I see Him and I am so filled with love for Him, but then I run away.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote in his book, The Cost of Discipleship, "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die."

In his song, "My Jesus," Todd Agnew sings, "You said to live like you, love like you, then you died for me."

See, I don't want to die, because I'm a coward. I feel like I'll have nothing afterwards.  And, when it
comes down to it, I don't trust Him.  I need to control my life, in spite of all of the evidence that I haven't
done a good job of it at all.

I have nothing to fear, though, and I can trust God.  Cowardice and mistrust are the cost of slavery and I'm not a slave.  No.  I am an adopted son of God and I can do all things through Him who is in me.  So, this time, for the first time, I will listen and do what He's asking of me, precisely so I can draw closer to Him whom I love, my God, my Lord, my Savior, and I will trust Him to care for me and mine.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm so worried.  He's taken care of me through all of the tragedy in my life brought on by my own arrogance and foolishness.  This should be a lot easier.


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