Free Space/Stream of Consciousness


God doesn't always make sense.

Neither do I.

I often wonder why I do some of the things I do. A friend of mine tells me that God guides me to do those things, because whatever I've done or said needed to be done or said. I'm not so sure.

There are so, so, so many times, when God was nowhere near the decisions I have made. I have made some horrible decisions and they have hurt others so, so, so deeply. Now I'm scared to approach anyone. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't ever want to be that horribly selfish ever again, but can I keep the loneliness at bay or will I succumb and make other bad decisions in another vain attempt to cure my loneliness? It's almost easier to suffer with the loneliness than to risk hurting someone else.

But then there is someone standing there who has never been there before and I don't know what to do. Confused and scared, there are just too many emotions and thoughts. They're overwhelming. Too many handicaps, roadblocks, barriers, and my mouth in the way.

I hear myself talk and become immediately embarrassed.  What am I saying?

Feeling the need to help, to save, can I just stand by and let someone hurt, live a lie, live with a pain that isn't theirs? My friend says that's the Holy Spirit moving me. I think it's my guilt. Guess they could be the same thing. Probably not. I've seen a lot of pain. Couldn't do anything about any of it. So many people hurt so deeply, but they don't want to stop hurting. I keep trying though. Foolish. Arrogant. Silly.

I should stop. Not take it so seriously. Keep it light. Don't go beyond the surface. People don't want more and they'll leave, if they think you're getting too close, if you actually love enough to sincerely care. I understand. I'm the same way.

People want to be close, want to be loved, but not really. They have too much pain and too much guilt to accept any of it. I understand that, too.

In the end, it all gets awkward and inappropriate and falls apart.

Next time, I'll keep my mouth shut. I will. Nothing but frivolities and the weather. I'll ignore what I see. Really.

But what if it's God?

And I'm the one being saved.






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